DEVIL DUCK PARTY PRIME recap

The Masques and Candysound kicked off the party with a great-big-bangin' FUUUUUUCK YOOOU! Shit was bitchin' as they cranked out some totally awesome tunes. Ask Weather for a taste of the recordings. I told them that if they made it a live album, I would buy it, and so should you.

It was around this point that the downstairs neighbor, Scott, reported to me that we were people in his back yard, and according to him they were getting high. The only person to have admitted being down there is adamant that she was NOT getting high, and I personally believe it was a simple misunderstanding. However, he was upset and I had to report to the crowd there that Devil Duck Party Prime would also be a goodbye party to the venue.

The Ronz proceeded to kick everyone's asses into oblivion with a kick ass set that got people moshing. It was at this point that I became acutely aware of the fact that the windows were about to be smashed out by Will's crazy-ass drumming. We got lucky this time and the glass remains intact, but we may need to tape those up next time.

A brief stint with a VERY polite policeman later, I and the rest of the Devil Duck were trying to corral people into the house so we wouldn't get another noise complaint, but people are fuckers so it was like herding cats.

I finally took the stage and played a mediocre set due to a WASTED drummer who couldn't remember the songs. But I debuted two new songs that have never been played in front of an audience before, and will be going on the next album. Live recordings coming soon.

But right near the end of my set, a miracle happened: THE DALAI LAMA SHOWED UP.

See, when I found out the Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso was going to be in town for my party, I sent him an email asking him to come, just as a joke, but he did! He showed up just before I began playing "Shotglass Eye", and headbanged during it. Then we smoked some purple ganja out on the deck and discussed the upcoming Chinese Olympics.

When Reid found out the Dalai Lama had arrived, he ran up the stairs and broke his foot. Luckily the Dalai Lama was there and managed to heal it using intense spiritual concentration and co-ordinated meditation.

Scott came upstairs again to complain, but after a brief discussion with the Dalai Lama, Scott calmed down and decided he was going to allow us to have parties in the future. SO WE GET TO PARTY MORE!

He crashed in my room, and was gone when I woke up the next morning, but it was great having him! HEY GYATSO! IF YOU'RE READING THIS, STOP BY ANY TIME!

Gay People vs Fags

So some stupid dyke bitch keeps throwing a hissy fit every time I call someone a faggot. She thinks I'm intolerant. THIS IS FUCKING STUPID. It's like I can't have an opinion on homosexuality because I enjoy pussy and tits.

I present this JPEG to defend myself.



I fully support equal rights for homosexuals. Some of the coolest people on Earth just happen to have sex with people of the same gender - INCLUDING some of my personal heroes: Dan Savage, George Takei, and Russel T. Davies to name a few. This does not mean that I cannot hate faggots.

The Catholic Feast of Saint Patrick

He drove some snakes from Ireland, SAINT PATTY!
Though science says snakes never lived on Ireland, SAINT PATTY!

Patron saint of Ireland
Nigeria, and Engineers
Does anything a dirty Mick can
Celebrate with shitty beers
SAINT PATTY!
SAINT PATTY!
SAINT PATTYYYYYYYYYYY!

I wrote that just now. Love it or leave it.

AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH

That yellow shit? That all came out of my lungs. I coughed it up and spit it out and collected it. This fucking illness has kept me out of work for THREE DAYS NOW. Missing one day is bad enough, but three days? I mean, if I don't go back to work, like, TOMORROW, I'm gonna be pissed. It just hurts to breathe, and coughing up a few tablespoons of mucus a day.

Oh, and even better. Check out that little blood spot in that shit. It's disgusting. And highly painful.

So now I'm down and out financially, too. Mike's helping me cover rent, but ultimately I'm going to be boned here VERY SOON. Also, I think I might be getting scurvy. Isn't your knuckles turning bluish-green a symptom of that?

So if anyone would like to bring me over a fruit salad, or a nice bunch of bananas, maybe some Nyquil... that'd be great.

HAHAHAHA I'm an asshole

Okay, so, at work they give you these big fucking calendar things for you to keep track of events. Except who the fuck needs one of those in a fucking office? I don't need a goddamn planner, I file shit. Monday: file shit. Tuesday: file shit. Wednesday: file shit. I think you see where this is going.

So I decided to spice things up by putting the fact that I was having a party on the thing. I wrote this down on Friday:


So then I walk in on Monday and find this:


Obviously, I cannot let this pass. So I respond:


You know I'm probably going to be fired.

Bijhan's Big Ball: Aftermath

Well, bitches and bitchettes, you may be wondering, "Was the Big Ball a success?"

No. No, you assholes, it wasn't. I had a good fucking time in SPITE of most of the jackasses that showed up.

MY BIG FAT LIST OF MY BIG FAT COMPLAINTS:
1) The Ronz playlist was way too fucking short, and way too fucking few people danced. Their music was the highlight of the night, and there was not enough of it.
2) Two very rowdy shirtless customers decided to spill three FULL cans of beer into my carpet. These guys are assholes.
3) Someone invited a bunch of highschool girls. What the fuck guys, highschool girls are lame as shit. Yeah, they're delicious jailbait, but the ones that get lured into coming to these house parties are vapid, mindless, and never put out.
4) An asshole I have no viable connection to requested that we play "Wonderwall" by Oasis. No. I will not play "Wonderwall" by Oasis. Ever. That is a gay ass song by a gay ass band. We play only quality tunes.
5) THIS IS A BIG ONE. Someone stole forty dollars STRAIGHT CASH out of the jar we were using for bar money. Classy, guys. That's awesome. I hope you spend it on something worthwhile.
6) Some dinosaurs showed up late after the actual party had been over, toting beer and settling in for a while. One of the guys bugged me about playing in an Irish band with my accordion. Look asshat, I don't play IN a back-up band. I HAVE a back-up band. I'm a one-man show, and I've already got a set of gigs. I'm not an up-and-coming youth, and you're not my fucking manager.

So basically me and Weather pitched in plenty of dough in the form of alcohol, the Ronz played an awesome show, and then my guests turn on me and abuse me. THE PEOPLE WHO ARE COOL: You know who you are. This message is not for you. ASSHOLES: Don't ever show up at my place ever again. Nothing personal. I just don't want you around.

Bijhan's Big Ball

Due to popular demand, Bijhan will be HOSTING a party, not just PLAYING one! It will be a party the way I think a party should be - ALL ABOUT ME! AAAAAAAND THE LADIES! preferably the two will come together for some kind of explosive finale for the night. Yeah? Yeah.

So far we have two great bands to play as well: The Joe Miller Band (think about what would happen if the Beatles and the Apples in Stereo had met a young Joe Strummer and fallen in love) and The Rockin' Ronz (think about what would happen if two crazy motherfuckers decided to rock your face off, hour after hour, day after day)

To be clear, the intoxicants are:

1) There will be a keg that will be dispensing free beer.

2) Then there will be a thing of canned beers for sale (however, once the keg disappears, ladies may want to approach either Titan or Magpie for more. Touching their junk could be rewarding).
3) Then we will also have a liquor bar with BIJHAN-APPROVED recipes, including some from my own personal stash. This will be a cash bar with a menu. Ladies get one free, unless they touch my dick (NOT THROUGH THE PANTS) in which case they get more

4) Anything else is, well... bring your own. And anything REALLY crazy (i.e., you get found with it at my place and I get in trouble) well... just don't come to the party. Yeah. No cocaine, kids. No heroine. And NO METH. And if you try and inhale some jenkem at my place, I will kill you.

IF YOU ARE CAUGHT ATTEMPTING TO STEAL: You will be mauled and thrown out by an angry Persian.

IF YOU ARE CAUGHT ATTEMPTING TO ROCK: You will be applauded and co-rocked-out by a joyful Persian.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY IMPORTANT:
I know I said I would not play The Ramones' "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend" after the Doctor party, but it has already become a fan favorite.

EVEN THOUGH I am heartbroken by the utter failure of my insanely romantic gesture, I always place my fans above myself, and thus, I will continue to play that song.

What can I say? I love making people dance and cheer far more than I could any silly female who doesn't even know I like her. So this party is all about RISING FROM THE ASHES and refusing to go down.

Bitches, you know you want some.

BOTTOM LINE
You are coming to this party, and you are going to like it.