I have a cat. I know what you're thinking there - BAD MOVE, BIJHAN! They are never functional. The only time in human history that cats ever served a purpose is when people believed that they would reduce the rat population. In all reality cats are not GREAT hunters nor do they have a voracious appetite, so this is largely a myth that resulted in a lot of farmers having a lot of cats and still having rodent problems.
Well, I do have a cat. He's massive and orange and named Hank. He has the tiniest little meow and the most enormous fucking body. He's also extremely fuzzy and leaves giant clumps of fur everywhere.
Since I live with two dudes who also are lazy and awesome like me, his water dish isn't always full and his litterbox always is. In fact just this morning he took a shit in my room because he wouldn't go into his own litterbox. I guess that makes him a bastard.
So really, cats suck. BUT WE LOVE THEM. Humans have a long-standing love-hate relationship with our miniature feline friends, and I think I know why.
Humans as a species most likely have the longest-standing relationship with lions. Lions and other savanna animals are the only animals on earth to have an inherent fear of humans because we evolved beside them. All other animals on earth must learn their fear of humans. So it stands to reason that the only animals WE have an inherent fear of also come from the savanna.
For some reason we love cats because they remind us of our species' home: the African plains, filled with hyenas, elephants, and FUCKING LIONS. A domesticated house cat is our personal little way of flipping nature the bird, in that we have won against our natural enemy.
BOTTOM LINE
So, Hank, continue to shit in my room. But I feed you and your life depends on ME! So your obedience is my victory over mother earth!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Friday, January 18, 2008
People are Stupid
So I work in an office where I handle returns, and sometimes I get some pretty stupid emails.
Like this one:
"Yes, my neighbor delivered it to me. Even though Fed-ex says it was delivered to 12448, it was delivered to 12488. They may dislexic. Check spelling. "
Feel free to "lol" until your sides hurt.
BOTTOM LINE
HAHA! RETARD!
ohshitgetmeoutofherefuckingseriouslyhelphelphelphelp
Like this one:
"Yes, my neighbor delivered it to me. Even though Fed-ex says it was delivered to 12448, it was delivered to 12488. They may dislexic. Check spelling. "
Feel free to "lol" until your sides hurt.
BOTTOM LINE
HAHA! RETARD!
ohshitgetmeoutofherefuckingseriouslyhelphelphelphelp
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
JUDGE DEM BOOKS BY DEM COVERS
Ugh. How many times have you heard "Don't judge a book by its cover!!!" whenever you make an assessment of someone by how they look?
A fucking lot.
Here's the problem with that statement. WE JUDGE BOOKS BY THEIR COVERS.
You pick up a book that looks good in the book store. Then you read the cover. If you like it, you buy it. If you don't, you don't.
Here's the OTHER problem with that statement. IT'S WRONG.
I'm not saying anyone can somehow divine the innermost workings of someone's soul by what shirt they threw on that day. But YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU WEAR, and what is someone's personality but a group of decisions?
Someone's appearance is defined by several key things:
A) how much money they have
B) where they went to shop
C) where they go for haircuts
D) how well they bathe
E) how well they exercise, eat, and sleep
Let me throw on some examples:
1) If some kid has dyed his hair a really fake looking black, spikes it up in the back, and sweeps it down in front of his eye, THAT GUY IS A FAGGLE AND I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
2) If some jackass has shaved his head, grown out a big full beard, and wears nothing but denim and flannel, THAT GUY IS A FUCKER.
3) If for any reason someone has a tattoo on their face, a beer belly, and I can see their underwear THROUGH their pants, THEY ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON AND SHOULD BE PUT TO DEATH.
4) If someone has stitched together a shirt they made out of old clothing, and patched on logos from local bands that the person went to see, THAT PERSON IS MY HERO.
BOTTOM LINE
The cover of a book is just like the covering a human being. It's there to advertise and synopsize the contents. If someone's outside doesn't match their inside, it's not your fault for not seeing the dysfunction. It's theirs for not putting some goddamned effort into it. Your appearance is defined by decisions, and your personality is defined by your decisions, so please, JUDGE MORE BOOKS BY THEIR COVERS.
A fucking lot.
Here's the problem with that statement. WE JUDGE BOOKS BY THEIR COVERS.
You pick up a book that looks good in the book store. Then you read the cover. If you like it, you buy it. If you don't, you don't.
Here's the OTHER problem with that statement. IT'S WRONG.
I'm not saying anyone can somehow divine the innermost workings of someone's soul by what shirt they threw on that day. But YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU WEAR, and what is someone's personality but a group of decisions?
Someone's appearance is defined by several key things:
A) how much money they have
B) where they went to shop
C) where they go for haircuts
D) how well they bathe
E) how well they exercise, eat, and sleep
Let me throw on some examples:
1) If some kid has dyed his hair a really fake looking black, spikes it up in the back, and sweeps it down in front of his eye, THAT GUY IS A FAGGLE AND I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
2) If some jackass has shaved his head, grown out a big full beard, and wears nothing but denim and flannel, THAT GUY IS A FUCKER.
3) If for any reason someone has a tattoo on their face, a beer belly, and I can see their underwear THROUGH their pants, THEY ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON AND SHOULD BE PUT TO DEATH.
4) If someone has stitched together a shirt they made out of old clothing, and patched on logos from local bands that the person went to see, THAT PERSON IS MY HERO.
BOTTOM LINE
The cover of a book is just like the covering a human being. It's there to advertise and synopsize the contents. If someone's outside doesn't match their inside, it's not your fault for not seeing the dysfunction. It's theirs for not putting some goddamned effort into it. Your appearance is defined by decisions, and your personality is defined by your decisions, so please, JUDGE MORE BOOKS BY THEIR COVERS.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Remember Kaveh!
In the ancient legends of Persia, and in the mythology of the Zoroastrian faith, there is the story of Kaveh. Kaveh is a populist, a symbol of anti-tyrrany, and in Farsi, nearly synonymous with rebellion against foreign invasion.Kaveh is a FUCKING BADASS. The evil Arab king Zahak had sprouted a black serpent out of each shoulder, tormenting him with the evils of his past. The only way to satiate them, he was told, was to feed them the brains of virgins daily. So he ordered virgin men and women to give their lives so he could avoid the torment of his own sins. Kaveh gave 18 of his sons to the evil monarch before he'd finally had enough.
Eighteen sons before he'd reached the end of his rope? Seems like he waited a while! Well, remember, Kaveh was a blacksmith, not a soldier. And Zahak had a legion of flying demons at his beck and call. However, diregarding the danger, Kaveh eventually decried the Arab fucker in his own court, pointed his finger, and called him a tyrant. Taking his apron off, Kaveh put it on the end of a spear and flew it high. The Flag of Kaveh is now a symbol of rebellion.
Finding other commoners - and even a prince or two - who agreed with him, Kaveh led an ultimately successful attack on Zahak's castle (with more than a little help from the Prince Feridun)
Now, people, REMEMBER KAVEH!
When the "Islamic Revolution" takes Iran and the Arab upper-class imposes its religion on the masses, REMEMBER KAVEH!
When the corporations descend upon your passions - from writing to music, filmmaking to cuisine - and pervert their intentions with a fat stack of cash, REMEMBER KAVEH!
And when the mommy-and-daddy government tells you what is and isn't okay for kids aged 12-14, when you're old enough to control your sexuality, or at what age you magically become mature enough to handle alcohol, REMEMBER KAVEH!
BOTTOM LINE
REMEMBER KAVEH!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Psycho Psycho Happy Fun-Time NUMBER ONE!!!
Why are girls so fucking crazy?
Look you skank-ass bitch, I don't give a shit about any problems you have when it's ONE IN THE FUCKING MORNING and I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW! Stop calling me! Stop it stop it stop it YOU PSYCHO WHORE.
Now you're trying to tell me you're knocked up. FUCK THAT. A) half the kids you aborted when we were together weren't even mine, why should this one be any different? B) You are SO not keeping this one, not with the fucked up little hell-hole you've made for yourself. YOU ARE ON PAROLE FOR DRUG POSESSION! YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN! YOUR OVARIES ARE FILLED WITH POISON!
If you're going to go ahead and have this mewling infant, then you are ON YOUR OWN. If it IS mine (if it exists at all!) then YOU LIED about being on birth control! YOU TRICKED MY DUMB ASS. Plus, I can hardly take care of myself and you want me to take care of you and a kid? FUCK THAT SHIT.
You are going to be a terrible mother. You'll probably teach the kid, if it's a girl, how to sleep with men tactically to get what you want. Like Cleopatra without the class.
BOTTOM LINE
FUCK OFF. You can't pay for a paternity test, you have no leeway with the courts, and I'm two seconds from issuing a restraining order. GO TO HELL.
Look you skank-ass bitch, I don't give a shit about any problems you have when it's ONE IN THE FUCKING MORNING and I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW! Stop calling me! Stop it stop it stop it YOU PSYCHO WHORE.
Now you're trying to tell me you're knocked up. FUCK THAT. A) half the kids you aborted when we were together weren't even mine, why should this one be any different? B) You are SO not keeping this one, not with the fucked up little hell-hole you've made for yourself. YOU ARE ON PAROLE FOR DRUG POSESSION! YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN! YOUR OVARIES ARE FILLED WITH POISON!
If you're going to go ahead and have this mewling infant, then you are ON YOUR OWN. If it IS mine (if it exists at all!) then YOU LIED about being on birth control! YOU TRICKED MY DUMB ASS. Plus, I can hardly take care of myself and you want me to take care of you and a kid? FUCK THAT SHIT.
You are going to be a terrible mother. You'll probably teach the kid, if it's a girl, how to sleep with men tactically to get what you want. Like Cleopatra without the class.
BOTTOM LINE
FUCK OFF. You can't pay for a paternity test, you have no leeway with the courts, and I'm two seconds from issuing a restraining order. GO TO HELL.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
OBAMA! OBAMA! OBAMA!
What the fuck people. We can't let fucking Hillary win! THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!?
After getting her cunt handed to her on a platter in Iowa she goes ahead and wins New Hampshire? FUCK YOU NEW HAMPSHIRE! We do not need this bitch progressing at all. We need a NEGRO in the OVAL OFFICE! LET'S MAKE THIS A FUCKING BLACK HOUSE!
Reasons why Obama is the best guy for the job:
1) He's already admitted he did drugs as a kid. I like that. I can trust that. None of this "I did it but I didn't inhale" fuckshit. Young people from the early 70s to the late 80s did a lot of cocaine. Get over it. Obama knows how to keep shit real. The Clintons don't.
2) He surrounds himself with INTELLIGENT FUCKING PEOPLE! Look at the bomb-ass bitch he married. She is SMART. She knows WHERE HER SHIT IS AT. All Hillary's wife can do is get and upset tummy at how the fucking kids get M&Ms in dispensers in High School. WAAA! Obama keeps people around him that can actually REASON SOME SHIT OUT.
3) That picture of him smoking makes him look like a total badass.
Reasons why Hillary should not be allowed to win:
1) Stupid bitch still takes money from SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS! "Yes, sir, I will accept your bribe and in return I shall make sure to press the issue of making baby-eating legal. Thank you Baby Farmers of America!" Barrack has successfully thrown off the shackles of special interest groups FOR A BETTER AMERICA! "Lobbyists represent real Americans!" BULLSHIT, ASSFACE! They represent REAL CORPORATIONS!
2) Her policies on media censorship is ASS. She wants to shut down the videogame and film industries so a mommy-and-daddy government can tell us what is and isn't appropriate for our kids to watch and play. WHAT HAPPENED TO PARENTING!? TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU LET YOUR KIDS SEE! Get the FUCK off my TV set and out of my games, Hillary! Fuck off from my movie-going experience!
3) She is about as sincere and trustworthy as Martha Stewart or Cleopatra. She will fucking use you and all you love to get what she wants. She plays the game for money and power and it WORKS. She will own you soon, and she will become the BITCH TYRANT.
BOTTOM LINE
Regardless of her vagina, Hillary Clinton is just another douchey white guy. She is oldschool politics and made of pure evil. Barrack Obama is our ONLY FUCKING HOPE for a new America. We NEED SOMEONE NAMED HUSSEIN IN THE WHITE HOUSE now more than ever. If Hillary Clinton wins another caucus and Obama starts trailing off, we are all doomed. If it comes down to Clinton vs McCain... I'm voting Republican.
At least McCain has a SOUL.
After getting her cunt handed to her on a platter in Iowa she goes ahead and wins New Hampshire? FUCK YOU NEW HAMPSHIRE! We do not need this bitch progressing at all. We need a NEGRO in the OVAL OFFICE! LET'S MAKE THIS A FUCKING BLACK HOUSE!
Reasons why Obama is the best guy for the job:
1) He's already admitted he did drugs as a kid. I like that. I can trust that. None of this "I did it but I didn't inhale" fuckshit. Young people from the early 70s to the late 80s did a lot of cocaine. Get over it. Obama knows how to keep shit real. The Clintons don't.
2) He surrounds himself with INTELLIGENT FUCKING PEOPLE! Look at the bomb-ass bitch he married. She is SMART. She knows WHERE HER SHIT IS AT. All Hillary's wife can do is get and upset tummy at how the fucking kids get M&Ms in dispensers in High School. WAAA! Obama keeps people around him that can actually REASON SOME SHIT OUT.
3) That picture of him smoking makes him look like a total badass.
Reasons why Hillary should not be allowed to win:
1) Stupid bitch still takes money from SPECIAL INTEREST GROUPS! "Yes, sir, I will accept your bribe and in return I shall make sure to press the issue of making baby-eating legal. Thank you Baby Farmers of America!" Barrack has successfully thrown off the shackles of special interest groups FOR A BETTER AMERICA! "Lobbyists represent real Americans!" BULLSHIT, ASSFACE! They represent REAL CORPORATIONS!
2) Her policies on media censorship is ASS. She wants to shut down the videogame and film industries so a mommy-and-daddy government can tell us what is and isn't appropriate for our kids to watch and play. WHAT HAPPENED TO PARENTING!? TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU LET YOUR KIDS SEE! Get the FUCK off my TV set and out of my games, Hillary! Fuck off from my movie-going experience!
3) She is about as sincere and trustworthy as Martha Stewart or Cleopatra. She will fucking use you and all you love to get what she wants. She plays the game for money and power and it WORKS. She will own you soon, and she will become the BITCH TYRANT.
BOTTOM LINE
Regardless of her vagina, Hillary Clinton is just another douchey white guy. She is oldschool politics and made of pure evil. Barrack Obama is our ONLY FUCKING HOPE for a new America. We NEED SOMEONE NAMED HUSSEIN IN THE WHITE HOUSE now more than ever. If Hillary Clinton wins another caucus and Obama starts trailing off, we are all doomed. If it comes down to Clinton vs McCain... I'm voting Republican.
At least McCain has a SOUL.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Daily Bump 'n' Grind
Oh, rent.
Why do you consume me?
Food, my food.
I consume you.
Why tax me with your costliness?
Just to survive, I've been commuting to FUCKING ISSAQUAH, doing data-entry at a place of business which I shall not name. (I read that Stranger article about the chick from Nintendo america who got in serious trouble for blogging about work. I'm dropping no names.)
The job is nice enough - good break room, nice people, good work environment. The job itself is a little boring, but hey, it pays and it's not back-breaking, right?
But the commute is MURDEROUS. Two hours on the bus EACH WAY. So, for this reason, I just turned in my two weeks notice.
TIME FOR A NEW JOB.
Hopefully I can find a new one by then. I'm going through a temp agency, so that's not so hard. However, since you're just one in a registry of hundred, it requires a fair bit of wrangling to get what you want from these people.
A lot of times they're in "meetings" I know don't exist, and they've often "just stepped out for the day". I mean, hell, I'm sure their jobs are even shittier than ours, and they have to be perky and cheerful to every one of us selfish bastards that calls.
You just have to finesse the system. And by that, I mean keep calling during the hours they HAVE to be there until someone takes your damn call. Never leave a message unless you have no other option - always ask when a better time to call back would be. That way the receptionist will give you an accurate answer - because they don't want to have to keep dealing with you!
BOTTOM LINE
We're all selfish assholes in our hearts. We all need the mon-ay, and we all have to shove and push to get it. It's called the rat race. Because you can never actually win.
Why do you consume me?
Food, my food.
I consume you.
Why tax me with your costliness?
Just to survive, I've been commuting to FUCKING ISSAQUAH, doing data-entry at a place of business which I shall not name. (I read that Stranger article about the chick from Nintendo america who got in serious trouble for blogging about work. I'm dropping no names.)
The job is nice enough - good break room, nice people, good work environment. The job itself is a little boring, but hey, it pays and it's not back-breaking, right?
But the commute is MURDEROUS. Two hours on the bus EACH WAY. So, for this reason, I just turned in my two weeks notice.
TIME FOR A NEW JOB.
Hopefully I can find a new one by then. I'm going through a temp agency, so that's not so hard. However, since you're just one in a registry of hundred, it requires a fair bit of wrangling to get what you want from these people.
A lot of times they're in "meetings" I know don't exist, and they've often "just stepped out for the day". I mean, hell, I'm sure their jobs are even shittier than ours, and they have to be perky and cheerful to every one of us selfish bastards that calls.
You just have to finesse the system. And by that, I mean keep calling during the hours they HAVE to be there until someone takes your damn call. Never leave a message unless you have no other option - always ask when a better time to call back would be. That way the receptionist will give you an accurate answer - because they don't want to have to keep dealing with you!
BOTTOM LINE
We're all selfish assholes in our hearts. We all need the mon-ay, and we all have to shove and push to get it. It's called the rat race. Because you can never actually win.
Monday, January 7, 2008
BITCHES IS RETARDED: U.S. Naval Ships Piss Themselves Over Iranian Vessels
To all those who have yet to meet me in person, let me espouse to you my sheer disrespect and mistrust of both the Bush administration here in the good ol' United States of Dead White guy, and the Ahmadinejad administration in OwnedByArabistan (formerly known as the Iranian Plateau).
This is furthered by the horrendous news that came to me via my Google news feed.
"Five Iranian boats made aggressive maneuvers and showed hostile intent towards three U.S. Navy ships at the weekend in the Strait of Hormuz, a major oil shipping route in the Gulf, the Pentagon said on Monday," Reuters reports, "The Pentagon said the incident was serious. It described the Iranian actions as 'careless, reckless and potentially hostile' and said Tehran should provide an explanation."
Now, what's so fucking scary about that, right? It's just a whole bunch of penis jousting, pissing contests, like peacocks flashing their tail feathers, right? ... Right?
"... Pentagon officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the Iranians made threats by radio and a U.S. captain was in the process of ordering sailors to open fire when the Iranian boats moved away."
So it was a pissing contest that almost ended in WORLD WAR THREE.
"According to the officials, the radio transmission from one of the Iranian ships said: 'I am coming at you. You will explode in a couple of minutes.'"
Oh, good, now we can clearly see that the Iranians were going to buttfuck the Americans.
Now, I'm not an EXPERT on military machinery, but I know for a fact that the Iranians have the fastest underwater missile in the god dammned world - the Hoot Torpedo - and it can cover quite a bit of ground.
It's not a clear tactical advantadge in all situations, but it sure as fuck doesn't hurt. It also proves that despite Bush's gut instincts, America does not have a military superior in every way to every nation. Iran has at least ONE thing on the U.S.A.
"The Iranian boats were believed to belong to Iran's Revolutionary Guard, the officials said."
FURTHERING THE CLUSTERFUCK, it was the fucking IRG. The IRG, for those who do not know, are the government-sanctioned and terrifyingly autonomous military that reports only to the clerics of the Iranian Shiias. Iran has a regular army, navy, and air force AS WELL as the IRG equivalent of all.
If you've watched Deep Space 9, think the Obsidian Order.
"An 'informed source' from the naval force of the Revolutionary Guards was quoted by Iranian state television as saying: 'There were no out of the ordinary contacts between the Guards' naval force and American ships.'
In his account of the incident, the source said three U.S. naval ships were asked by Guards' vessels 'as usual' to identify themselves 'which they did and they continued their path.'"
Great. Good, great. FUCK. You know what this means? The Pentagon could be *gasp* LYING! Leak a few terrifying details to make it seem like Iran is TOTALLY out to get us, right? I mean, it came from anonymous sources so obviously the Pentagon doesn't want us knowing this shit - unless that's what they want you to think.
BOTTOM LINE
Neither side is to be trusted. They both want to nuke the living shit out of each other, they want us to be afraid in our beds at night, they want to fuck us up. So what do you do about it? Kiss someone. Hell, you could even try kissing a Persian.
I know one =D
This is furthered by the horrendous news that came to me via my Google news feed.
"Five Iranian boats made aggressive maneuvers and showed hostile intent towards three U.S. Navy ships at the weekend in the Strait of Hormuz, a major oil shipping route in the Gulf, the Pentagon said on Monday," Reuters reports, "The Pentagon said the incident was serious. It described the Iranian actions as 'careless, reckless and potentially hostile' and said Tehran should provide an explanation."
Now, what's so fucking scary about that, right? It's just a whole bunch of penis jousting, pissing contests, like peacocks flashing their tail feathers, right? ... Right?
"... Pentagon officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the Iranians made threats by radio and a U.S. captain was in the process of ordering sailors to open fire when the Iranian boats moved away."
So it was a pissing contest that almost ended in WORLD WAR THREE.
"According to the officials, the radio transmission from one of the Iranian ships said: 'I am coming at you. You will explode in a couple of minutes.'"
Oh, good, now we can clearly see that the Iranians were going to buttfuck the Americans.
Now, I'm not an EXPERT on military machinery, but I know for a fact that the Iranians have the fastest underwater missile in the god dammned world - the Hoot Torpedo - and it can cover quite a bit of ground.
It's not a clear tactical advantadge in all situations, but it sure as fuck doesn't hurt. It also proves that despite Bush's gut instincts, America does not have a military superior in every way to every nation. Iran has at least ONE thing on the U.S.A.
"The Iranian boats were believed to belong to Iran's Revolutionary Guard, the officials said."
FURTHERING THE CLUSTERFUCK, it was the fucking IRG. The IRG, for those who do not know, are the government-sanctioned and terrifyingly autonomous military that reports only to the clerics of the Iranian Shiias. Iran has a regular army, navy, and air force AS WELL as the IRG equivalent of all.
If you've watched Deep Space 9, think the Obsidian Order.
"An 'informed source' from the naval force of the Revolutionary Guards was quoted by Iranian state television as saying: 'There were no out of the ordinary contacts between the Guards' naval force and American ships.'
In his account of the incident, the source said three U.S. naval ships were asked by Guards' vessels 'as usual' to identify themselves 'which they did and they continued their path.'"
Great. Good, great. FUCK. You know what this means? The Pentagon could be *gasp* LYING! Leak a few terrifying details to make it seem like Iran is TOTALLY out to get us, right? I mean, it came from anonymous sources so obviously the Pentagon doesn't want us knowing this shit - unless that's what they want you to think.
BOTTOM LINE
Neither side is to be trusted. They both want to nuke the living shit out of each other, they want us to be afraid in our beds at night, they want to fuck us up. So what do you do about it? Kiss someone. Hell, you could even try kissing a Persian.
I know one =D
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