Bijhan's Big Ball

Due to popular demand, Bijhan will be HOSTING a party, not just PLAYING one! It will be a party the way I think a party should be - ALL ABOUT ME! AAAAAAAND THE LADIES! preferably the two will come together for some kind of explosive finale for the night. Yeah? Yeah.

So far we have two great bands to play as well: The Joe Miller Band (think about what would happen if the Beatles and the Apples in Stereo had met a young Joe Strummer and fallen in love) and The Rockin' Ronz (think about what would happen if two crazy motherfuckers decided to rock your face off, hour after hour, day after day)

To be clear, the intoxicants are:

1) There will be a keg that will be dispensing free beer.

2) Then there will be a thing of canned beers for sale (however, once the keg disappears, ladies may want to approach either Titan or Magpie for more. Touching their junk could be rewarding).
3) Then we will also have a liquor bar with BIJHAN-APPROVED recipes, including some from my own personal stash. This will be a cash bar with a menu. Ladies get one free, unless they touch my dick (NOT THROUGH THE PANTS) in which case they get more

4) Anything else is, well... bring your own. And anything REALLY crazy (i.e., you get found with it at my place and I get in trouble) well... just don't come to the party. Yeah. No cocaine, kids. No heroine. And NO METH. And if you try and inhale some jenkem at my place, I will kill you.

IF YOU ARE CAUGHT ATTEMPTING TO STEAL: You will be mauled and thrown out by an angry Persian.

IF YOU ARE CAUGHT ATTEMPTING TO ROCK: You will be applauded and co-rocked-out by a joyful Persian.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY IMPORTANT:
I know I said I would not play The Ramones' "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend" after the Doctor party, but it has already become a fan favorite.

EVEN THOUGH I am heartbroken by the utter failure of my insanely romantic gesture, I always place my fans above myself, and thus, I will continue to play that song.

What can I say? I love making people dance and cheer far more than I could any silly female who doesn't even know I like her. So this party is all about RISING FROM THE ASHES and refusing to go down.

Bitches, you know you want some.

BOTTOM LINE
You are coming to this party, and you are going to like it.

Fake-Ass Ads

Okay dudes, dudettes, fellow rational thinkers, and fellow punk bastards. Time for another edition of Bijhan gets pissed about shit.

So I'm looking at porn on the interbutts (shut the fuck up, you do too) and at the end they have these bullshit ads (see pic) at the end of the shitty, grainy, badly illuminated, 30-second, "was that a tit or a cock?" videos. And I've been getting pissed.

So, first off, these girls are not looking for sex partners in Seattle. How my favorite porn site knows I live in Seattle is beyond me - probably these magic tubes that make up the intrawebs. But look at those photos. Same photo quality, same lighting - both of which are too good to be your average home photographer. This was a professional photoshoot, with hired models and hired photographers and probably free donuts and coffee for the lighting guys.

Second, bullshit on their ages. No fucking way are they still teens. The one on the right is probably in her early twenties, but look at the Cardassian-Neck on that bitch on the left! Easily in her early thirties. Or just a natural Cardassian-Neck. In which case, my condolences to the model and any offspring she might accidentally have with a man who doesn't know better than to talk to Cardassian-Necks.

Finally, even if I accepted that these girls are really on this website, and took those photos themselves, I still have an issue. WHAT ARE HOT-ASS BITCHES DOING ON AN INTERNET DATING/FUCKING SITE?! If I were on one of those sites and saw someone actually totally hot, the only thing I would think is THEY MUST BE CRAZY AS FUCK because no way are they that desperate for men unless they're verifiable psychos.

So there you have it.

Sorry if I shattered all your hopes and dreams of meeting a porn star over the interanutz who was totally into you. But it's never going to happen. Get out of your mother's basement and go get fucked. Really. I'll buy you the condom.

BOTTOM LINE
Don't talk to Cardassian-Necks

REAL SHOW

Okay, so, epic failure on the part of the interbutts radio show.

SO we will MAKE IT A WIN next time. It's a call-in show, and it's a chatroom, and it's got webcams. Participation makes awesome. SO!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23rd AT 11:00PM
Log on to http://www.nowlive.com and click on my show!
DO IT, FAGGETS!

My Interbutts Radio Shmo

So I tried to do an internet radio show thingy. But no one listened, so it was mighty disappointing. Also, I did the music wrong, so you won't hear any of it in the podcast. It's really not that interesting to listen to, because I messed it up. But I'm trying to figure it all out.

It's on the sidebar now and it sux.

BOTTOM LINE
Bear with me, and tune in.

Indian Bitches

Where the fuck are all the Indian bitches at? Seriously. I never see them at any parties. I rarely see them on the street. I went to school with a few, but have never worked with any.

So what the fuck? Indian bitches have THE TRIFECTA OF PERFECTION: They're hot, they're smart, and they're in control. I mean, in general. Obviously all blanket statements are inherently false. BUT, barring the rare drug-addicted Indian whore who can't think and is clingy as fuck, most Indian bitches are sharp as tacks and DON'T NEED YOU. They're AWESOME!

You see, it's like this: why are Indian women hot? Why is Joan Jett hot? Same reason. It's because young punk boys all want to be held down and raped by both. BITCHES IN CONTROL IS FUCKING HOT - and that's why we should pay them more. THINK ABOUT IT. IF we payed women more than men, all of us dudes would have sugar mommas and it would be A) HOT and B) socially acceptable.

BOTTOM LINE
Where the Indian bitches at?