Fake-Ass Ads

Okay dudes, dudettes, fellow rational thinkers, and fellow punk bastards. Time for another edition of Bijhan gets pissed about shit.

So I'm looking at porn on the interbutts (shut the fuck up, you do too) and at the end they have these bullshit ads (see pic) at the end of the shitty, grainy, badly illuminated, 30-second, "was that a tit or a cock?" videos. And I've been getting pissed.

So, first off, these girls are not looking for sex partners in Seattle. How my favorite porn site knows I live in Seattle is beyond me - probably these magic tubes that make up the intrawebs. But look at those photos. Same photo quality, same lighting - both of which are too good to be your average home photographer. This was a professional photoshoot, with hired models and hired photographers and probably free donuts and coffee for the lighting guys.

Second, bullshit on their ages. No fucking way are they still teens. The one on the right is probably in her early twenties, but look at the Cardassian-Neck on that bitch on the left! Easily in her early thirties. Or just a natural Cardassian-Neck. In which case, my condolences to the model and any offspring she might accidentally have with a man who doesn't know better than to talk to Cardassian-Necks.

Finally, even if I accepted that these girls are really on this website, and took those photos themselves, I still have an issue. WHAT ARE HOT-ASS BITCHES DOING ON AN INTERNET DATING/FUCKING SITE?! If I were on one of those sites and saw someone actually totally hot, the only thing I would think is THEY MUST BE CRAZY AS FUCK because no way are they that desperate for men unless they're verifiable psychos.

So there you have it.

Sorry if I shattered all your hopes and dreams of meeting a porn star over the interanutz who was totally into you. But it's never going to happen. Get out of your mother's basement and go get fucked. Really. I'll buy you the condom.

BOTTOM LINE
Don't talk to Cardassian-Necks